So, at times, you have to admit you're an idiot. As I tried to figure out how to stand up just to use the restroom and the sharp pain from my side,my leg,my face... kept me from being able to stand on my own; I felt very much the idiot I was. I had to ask Tony to help me stand so that I could go use the restroom not in the tent but beside a tree ,instead of the portapotty that was less than 20 ft away. It was too far to walk. Maybe I should’ve gone to the hospital after all.

But we should probably back up a little. I had wanted to try to float down the river in a cow trough because apparently that’s something  that Nebraska is known for, but my bipolar disorder was giving me a major depressive day, and since Ash and John had decided they weren’t going to join us. We decided to try a waterpark. I didn’t want the waterpark.I did want water though, and somehow, through all my crazy, Tony was trying to make me feel better.

We found a reservoir at some small town, but it didn't look as though anyone was swimming, so we continued on. A lot of crying happens when I go into my manic depressed stages, and I find myself not wanting to do anything.I’ll have anxiety over things and my mind goes into stages that I just can’t cope with.

So here’s the thing. I started partaking in the best calm down medication legal in certain states. Unfortunately not the one I reside in, or in Nebraska...but Colorado is a border state, and we knew that lots of water is in Colorado,as well as camp sites. We took a very long drive to the first open dispensary in the state of Colorado. After Tony spent what seemed like hours in the shop, he then asked where the nearest open camping was. We were the ONLY campers at Jumbo lake reservoir that night. It was slightly depressing. I had kind of hoped to meet some people but the only two people I managed to meet were some fishers down by the dock.

My mood drastically changed for the better as I looked over the ravine and was awarded with a 180 view of the entire lake. It was so beautiful, I wish I had taken pictures. We never ate that night, other than what was left of our backpacking snacks...Jerky, Tuna, Trail mix.. No fruits, or veggies. I had a gummy and I had LOTS of alcohol (which in retrospect, probably wasn’t the best idea).It was great though.
We spent what was left of the daylight searching for twigs since we hadn’t bought any firewood and no large logs were nearby, we had to use what we could find...and that was very little.  Luckily alcohol warms me up pretty well and Tony’s becoming a survival firestarter.
We watched the fire, listened to music, and just laughed and had a great time. We even decided to stream with our internet pals on paltalk. The drinking, the tent,the music...it reminded me of the sca ( the society for creative anachronism) and made me want to wander so I asked if he would wander with me.
Off we went in the dark, with a phone playing music just roaming the rocky terrain of the water bank. We couldn’t find a place to sit so we decided to go back up to the ledge where we could look out at the water with the moon as our light. I’m not sure if i had my glasses, but my guess is no seeing as how they didn’t break. I remember looking at the ground, earlier in the day debating how to get to the bank from up on the ledge and telling myself “no safe way to do that”.
At night, it’s harder for me to see that ledge apparently.
 At least I didn’t die. I am aware of how lucky I am, even if I don’t think it was the 30 ft fall that Tony claims it was.I do know that it hurt.

When the alcohol wore off, I couldn’t take it anymore and ended up in the E.R. getting xrays of my wrist,my side, and my leg. A few permanent scars now mark my body 2 on my leg and 1 on my face. I was given crutches that day, and told to stay off my leg. 4 days into our Nebraska hiking adventure. I made the decision sitting in a hospital gown, not to go home. I wasn’t sure what I was going to be able to do now, but we had planned this trip and I wanted to finish it. No changing my plane ticket.


Most of that day I slept. Tony drove us by the two Nebraska Parks that I couldn’t make the trails of .We drove up to a scenic spot  and with a bandaid on my face ,and a lovely swollen lip, I took some selfies. They aren’t my favorite pictures to look at. I’m definitely never printing them out  but I have them .
I also have a best friend who’s willing to go out of his way and that’s kind of nice.


When I woke up from my 12th nap of that day's road trip; I asked “where are we going now?”. His response was “Mount Rushmore”. We were now in South Dakota. The boulders of that state were absolute beauties and I kept thinking that I needed a rock for my collection.Tony stopped on the side of the road and walked across the street to grab one for me.Without being asked I watched as he stubbed his toe doing it. I treasure that rock and the others that I have collected throughout our adventures.


As I reflect upon the decisions I’ve made in my life. Several of them I regret.  I could’ve stayed away from the edge when Tony told me it was too close or listened to my  other best friend when she told me something was off with a certain person. I could’ve continued just being a mama bear but growth only happens when you learn.
If I hadn’t fallen, we wouldn’t have ridden on the 1880 train between Hill city and Keystone and would not have Dresdyn. If I hadn’t made the decision to take a roadtrip to Roswell with Tony in the spring of (what is now) last year, I wouldn’t be writing about all of our adventures in a blog for whoever stumbles upon it.
I feel torn when I’m away from my kid. I talk to him every night, I hear about his latest rocket league adventure or Sonic the Hedgehog knowledge, listen to what went on with the dogs, and I miss him like crazy. He’s growing up though. We are headed into the preteen stages and mama bear needs to let him grow, so instead of going home. I’m growing with him and giving myself the opporutunity to make my own mistakes...I doubt i'll be able to fall off a cliff soon due to some traumatized person. It's not gonna stop me from climbing though.